You can’t erase me, just like I can’t erase you. I feel you in my anger, my height, and the underlying aggression that lies within me. It’s unmistakable, the characteristics of you that are in my DNA, the ones I’ve tried to suppress, to ignore. There have been times I felt great pain, and others of complete peace when I think of you. The pink trailer you lived in for many years, just a five-minute drive from the house I spent years of my adolescence struggling in. Even then I knew that living in my house, with the eggshells I constantly had to navigate, would be better than trying to make you be a father to me. You seemed to be unable to be a father to daughers, as if you thought you might break us, at least that’s a story I have told myself. I saw you with your sons, nurturing the youngest with enthusiasm that I had only hoped one day you would use to nurture me. 

People love to say phrases like “You’re better off without him!”, “He doesn’t deserve you!”, and “You’re so successful without him, screw him!”. Although well-intentioned, none of these sayings ever made me feel better about not being loved by my dad. It’s a strange predicament- I spent a lot of years hoping you were addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or that maybe you had a severe mental illness, but from what I can tell, none of those are true. I wanted to find any alternative than the obvious: that you have never loved me, or that you couldn’t love me. I’ve heard of your childhood trauma, of the alcoholic grandpa that I never met, and subsequently died. Of a mother who wasn’t stable, and much more that I’m sure you have buried within your psyche. I willed myself to sympathize, to hold empathy, to think that maybe if things were different during your childhood, they would’ve been different in mine. 

The cycle of trauma refers to the pattern of behaviors and reactions that people may experience in response to a traumatic event. Trauma can be a single event or a series of events that cause intense fear, helplessness, or horror. The cycle of trauma typically involves four stages: the initial event or experience of trauma, the emotional and physical response to the trauma, the coping mechanisms that are used to deal with the trauma, and the long-term effects of the trauma. These stages can repeat themselves over and over, creating a cycle of trauma that can be difficult to break. I used to ask myself what was wrong with me that my father couldn’t love me, be there for me, show that he cared, why couldn’t his family fill in the gaps he left. What I have come to realize is that it had nothing to do with me. What people don’t realize is that trauma is passed down through our DNA, as unbelievable as it sounds. The things our grandparents go through can penetrate our lives, our psyches. 

Estrangement is something I forget about sometimes, and other times it’s impossible for me to look away from. Father’s Day might as well be doomsday for me. I know that I have special “dads” in my life, males that have made me feel special, loved, and worthy, but it will always be true that my “real dad” will never give me the same treatment. Sometimes I imagine myself giving you hell on your deathbed, telling you all the things you did wrong and what a worthless person you are, but I know that multiple things can be true at once. For example, you can be a decent, present father to your youngest son, a hardworking business owner, as well as the deadbeat, uncaring father in the story of my life. So, I don’t know what I’ll say at your funeral, if I’ll even be notified when it happens, but sometimes I think I might choose forgiveness. I may choose to be soft, to forgive, to let go. 

What I’m more interested in these days is why are so many fathers estranged from their daughters? From their kids? I tell myself it’s the social worker in me, but there is a selfish sense of wanting to make sense of things. Plenty of people are estranged from family members, especially parents. I don’t know any in real life, but I’ve heard so many stories, so many tik toks about the complicated relationships. Some older generations say us Millennials are too soft, too hard on our family members, holding them accountable for their actions. What I think is that we are trying to stop the cycle of trauma. We are holding boundaries, asking for fair treatment, and wanting loving, caring, and reciprocal relationships. There is far too little research on the topic, and the most I could find was a longitudinal study done from 1979-2018 published in the Journal of Marriage and Family that found that 26% of participants were estranged from their fathers (Reczek et. al, 2020). I have a sneaking suspicion that if the entire country was surveyed, this number may be much higher. 

With love and understanding,

McKenzie

‍References

Reczek, R., Stacey, L., & Thomeer, M. B. (2020). Parent–adult child estrangement in the United States by gender, race/ethnicity, and sexuality. Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(2), 482-499. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12645